This first conversation happened some 7 or 8 years ago, when I was immersed in my undergraduate studies. I had arrived early to a class and there were only a small handful of people there, among them this pretty ugly girl, who will, for the purposes of this conversation, be called PUG. Soon thereafter her incredibly hot friend, IHF, arrived, a little distressed. The following transpired (roughly, I didn't write this crap down, I'm not that weird, I'm paraphrasing):
PUG: What's wrong?
IHF: Some guy in my last class was drawing me.
PUG: What do you mean?
IHF: I looked up and I saw him drawing a picture of me. It was creepy.
PUG: Why, was he like weird looking or something?
IHF: ...No, it was just weird because he was drawing me.
Perhaps you noticed what I noticed. If a guy if drawing you and he's weird looking, it's creepy. But if he was cute, I'm sure it would have been okay. I am reminded of a Gaffigan.
"Life is a little easier for attractive people, can we admit that? Think about it, if a stranger smiles at you and they're attractive, you think, "Oh, they're nice," but if the stranger's ugly, you're like, 'What do they want? Get away from me weirdo.'"
But I always thought it was nice that IHF accepted it as being creepy at face value. In another life we could have been married (a life in which I perhaps had talked to her about anything).
This next conversation happened at a roughly similar time, but in a different class and involved different people. We'll call these guys DB1 and DB2 (douchebag for those scoring at home, or even if you're alone (I miss Sportscaster Keith Olbermann (triple parentheses!))).
DB1: Hey man, what's going on?
DB2: Same shit different day.
DB1: I hear that.
Perhaps you've had this conversation. I haven't. Why would I? Who the hell talks like that? That's the sort of conversation you hear in a poorly written movie. But these were real life people. I think, anyway. Maybe they were androids programmed to mimic humans and that's why their conversation was so bizarre.
Lastly, this was less a conversation than a statement. I was recently in Penn Station in New York, as I frequently am, waiting for a train, as that is what one does in Penn Station (that and panhandling, but other than those two activities, there's really nothing to do there). Our train had been announced, but was not yet ready for boarding. A group of passengers was huddled around every door and I saw a railroad passenger walking through the train collecting garbage. (People who take trains into Manhattan between the hours of 5:00 and 10:00 PM are the most disgusting, unfathomable garbage producers of all time, it's incredible. I mean, I spent one semester of college practically living in my own filth (and the filth of my roommates) because we were all too lazy to buy a garbage can (they were supposed to be provided for free by the dorm, but we got screwed), but still, I don't want to ride home in someone else's crap. End tangent.) So we're all waiting and I overhear this:
Guy Waiting for Train: The guy who pushes the button to open the door must be on his coffee break.
I kind of side-eyed him as I did not want to fully acknowledge his asinine comment and I saw him looking around rather proud of himself and his scathing remark. But here's what gets me. Not only did we just see someone walking through the train to pick up some garbage so we didn't have to sit among it. But it's not like the train was going to leave without us. The "guy who pushes the button" isn't going to say to himself, "I guess no one's riding the train tonight, better move out!" Just wait two seconds and we can all pile into the train and sit on top of each other for an hour. But no, good sir, your biting comments to your fellow passengers earned you much kudos!
Or is it many kudos? How do you count kudos?
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