Tom T. Hall I Am Not

"Don't you hate pants?"

-Homer Simpson

I actually like pants. It's other things I hate. Almost every other thing really. It's probably not healthy to hate as much as I do, but it's so much easier. I mean, in order to like something (or someone), you have to show an interest in it (or them), learn about it (or them), invest in it (or them). Hate merely requires ignorance and a fierce enforcement of that ignorance. I guess indifference would be easier still, but sometimes the world just won't let you be indifferent. It forces you to pick a side. If I were a huge dork, I'd make some sort of Star Wars reference about the Dark Side here, but I'm not going to do that.

Anyway, since I've accepted my hate, I've decided to spread it. I want you (there's no one reading this, if I was talking instead of typing I could be sent away to the looney bin (you know, the way they're portrayed on TV, insane asylums look like a ton of fun. Have you seen 12 Monkeys? If you haven't go watch it and then come back. ...Are you back? Ok, awesomeness aside, doesn't the insane asylum look like fun? And what about the episode of Charles in Charge when Buddy was mistakenly committed to a mental hospital? It looked amazing! I think I might have a plan for my next vacation.)) to hate as I hate.

I hate squinters. Not people squinting because the sun is shining brightly and they are without sunglasses. But people who squint indoors because they are too cheap or stupid to invest in a pair of glasses. People who need to read something and walk right up to it, squinting all the way. Stop it! You look ridiculous!

I hate people who end sentences with "so." Ending a sentence in a preposition? I don't mind. Depending on the company you keep, a decent grammar joke about prepositions here or there can work wonders. But don't end your sentences in "so." The implication there is that "so" is followed by "you can gather what my remaining thought is from what I have already stated." But you're not articulate enough to, um, articulate it! So why should we do the work for you? The only other possibility is you say "so" because you have concluded your thought, but did it so poorly that we cannot infer that you finished. And you can't very well say "The End." You can, however, say "And scene" to finish your thought. I recommend doing this at all times in your daily life, like in the office or soemthing.

You at work: And as you can see, our third quarter profits are up 13%. And scene.
Johnson: Very go..., wait what? "And scene?" Is that what you said?
You at work: Pssh, yeah.
Johnson: Why? What does that even mean.
You at work: Cut. That's a wrap.

I hate Johnson. Always so stuck up, takes his job way too seriously and isn't good enough at it to take it that seriously. He's the kind of guy that always gets promoted because he uses bullshit buzzwords, meanwhile I sit here unemployed typing bullshit.

I hate when married couples make a kissy sound on the phone to each other. You can't just say you love each other? You have to make everyone else around you feel uncomfortable?

I hate people who take the elevator to the second floor. There are stairs, dammit! It's one floor and you need the exercise, fatty! Funny story: When I was in college living in the dorms, there was always an unspoken agreement by most of the dorm that no one on the second or third floor would use the elevator, because it wasn't really fair to people on, you know, the 14th floor. Periodically people would take ride to the second floor and say something stupid like "Sorry, I feel like being lazy" and then laugh, as if that made it okay. I never spoke up, being the nonconfrontational type. But one day, on the way down, the elevator stopped at the second floor and I said aloud, "Seriously, who's getting on here?" It was some dude on crutches. I believe that was insta-karma. I hate being the douche.

I hate douchebags. They're all over the place and they're multiplying. Because they're the ones hooking up and procreating. Not those of us who still adhere to the conventions of society. We're shunned. I think there's some irony in there.

I love irony. That made me laugh.